I have been contemplating creating one of these guys for quite some time now and failed to do so because each month that would pass on by I would secretly say to myself, “I don’t think I am going to need a blog about infertility because I am going to beat it!” and each month would pass leaving me a little more and more sad and eventually I had to convince myself that even if I do fall pregnant, infertility is an issue that isn’t talked about in the world like it should be. It’s a disease that many people fail to acknowledge and a lot of the time is just pushed under the rug because it’s not life threatening (though there are days where we feel like our lives are over with, seriously) and a lot of the time we do not get our happy ending. I am not going to sit here and say this blog is going to be butterflies and rainbows because most days I feel completely exhausted, helpless, and terrified of what is next…but I am doing this to raise awareness and to give people an inside look as to what infertility feels like, so hang on, you are in for quite the ride.
I’ll start us off by saying that I am a 26 year old crazy cat lady who was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) when I was just fifteen years old. I started noticing my periods were getting extremely rare and even when I did get one it wasn’t a “normal” cycle. I waited a good six months to say anything because I just figured it was something that a lot of teenage girls went through. When I went to the OBGYN and got some tests done I had a meeting set up with a couple doctors where they sat me down and tried explaining I had something called PCOS. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared to death to hear those words for two reasons.
1. I had no idea what the heck PCOS was.
2. I took the information in as something was WRONG with me and I had no control over it. Not having control is a huge deal to me. I hardly drink for that reason alone… I am a one drink wonder and that’s okay by me! Let’s continue because now all I am craving is a sweet glass of red raspberry wine…my favorite!
The doctors proceeded to say I had insulin resistance and would have to be put on a medication called Metformin. They told me it would help with my insulin levels but there would be other symptoms that could have break outs such as facial hair, acne, anxiety, depression, and tiredness all of the time. I was the lucky duck and got all of above listed symptoms, but I felt as if they didn’t start getting severe until I reached my early twenties. I didn’t take my diagnosis very seriously for quite some time because I was young and didn’t realize how serious it was and how much if would effect me later in life. I stopped taking my medication because the side effects were unbearable. It got to the point where I couldn’t eat ANYTHING with out getting the worst stomach pains of my life. I tried taking care of everything on my own. You’d be surprised how quickly weight can gather on some one with PCOS, though. I gained 80 pounds in a little over a year because along with facial hair, depression, anxiety, and acne….a great dose of easy weight gain is another symptom of PCOS. Lovely, I know. As ironic as it is however, the most common symptom of PCOS is cysts on the ovaries and believe it or not, that is the only symptom I have yet to get. (knocks on wood) I get checked every month to see if any have appeared, but fortunately, the doctors have yet to see one. I count my stars when I can trust me, so for that I feel blessed.
Hearing the words “You may never have children, or at least it will more then likely be very difficult for you” felt like some one punched me as hard as they could in the stomach. I may have been young, but even then I knew one of the things I wanted to be was a mother when I got older. Matter of fact, in elementary school we had a day dedicated to write our story of what kind of job we wanted when we grew up and I remember creating a story about being a wife and mom and having lots and lots of animals. (and I mean lots like 5 cats, 10 dogs, three horses…a random goat. The whole ordeal) It’s funny how we have dreams like that so early on. I also remember not getting a good grade because it wasn’t a profession, and for that I want to laugh at the teacher who didn’t approve of my dream! Being a mom and dad are the best (and from what people have told me toughest but yet rewarding) jobs to have! Psh, got to love fourth grade.
Let’s fast forward to present time now. I am married to an awesome guy who I have been with for 12 years, (high school sweethearts still exist!) and we live in a little house that reminds me of a gingerbread home. We also have three cats, and if my husband Joe wouldn’t kill me we’d probably have seven. Oh right, we have also been trying for a baby for about a year now. I get the look of “that’s it?” pretty often and am used to whispers of how “normal couples” can take that long all the time. Our story is a little different however because I do not ovulate on my own. There is no “let’s see if this month works!” or random spur of the moment relations and wondering if I am pregnant. Every little thing is timed. I mean Every. Little. Thing.
After months of trying on our own for a baby with no success we decided to see a doctor in October of 2014. I got back on my Metformin (the side effects were even worse then I remembered!) and though that was causing me to get my monthly again, we later found out it still wasn’t aiding me in ovulating. We looked up an actual Fertility specialist in December and have been seeing them ever since. Two IUI’s (artificial insemination), two rounds of Clomid with a trigger shot, and lots and lots of tears, we have yet to get a BFP. Some days I am hopeful, and some days I am not. I take everything with stride and am lucky to have the support system I do. In the very beginning of this journey I felt so alone, like no one had any idea what I was going through. I later learned after joining some support groups and talking to people about it, I’m not alone. Even if some one isn’t going through the exact same thing I am it doesn’t mean I don’t have support and hope. It’s so easy to get stuck in a negative rut and think to myself how being a mom may never happen for me. I try not to focus so much on that because what good will that do? People don’t accomplish things by sitting and worrying all day, they get things done by going out and trying. That’s what I am doing…I am trying. I’m trying to live each day with faith. I am trying to better my health to get my body ready for a baby. I am trying to let people give me advice with out wanting to immediately defend myself against what they are saying. I am just trying to simply be. This is my journey, and I am no where near ready for it to be the end. I look forward to keeping you updated through my experiences and if you want to share your stories with me feel free to comment below or email me at email@example.com. It’s always nice to share our life events and learn from one another. Thanks for listening and until next time.